Relationship Roulette, Single, Married, Divorced, Now What? (Is a book from my ‘Relationship Series’)
In the background of the dating world live those single individuals who are not looking for actual relationships. These men and women just want to have fun – they want to dance, drink, have meaningless sex, and move on; or spend very platonic time doing the activities they love with no romantic interaction. Failing to realize these people exist, and acknowledge their impact on our lives, is where many individuals fall into the first ‘Relationship Roulette’ game of dating: Attraction to the player.
People enjoy going to the clubs, and they enjoy the highly charged interactions that the clubbing environment creates, but most of the people they will meet have no real interest in long-term relationships. The reason behind the confusion is two-fold. First, most people are out of their normal life space and are playing the role of fun-loving partiers, when really their responsibilities don’t allow for that kind of lifestyle. Second, they are attempting to find relationship material in an environment that encourages short-term interactions. Clubs and bars, while fun, rarely attract people who have made a deliberate decision on what they want out of their love lives. In fact, most clubbers come in two varieties: Those just looking to have fun and in the current dating vernacular…… “get laid”, and those looking to have fun but secretly/desperately hoping they will find more. The danger is when the hopeful meets a great player and gets emotionally attached; this is why it is dangerous for anyone looking for serious relationships to “shop” in a club.
Many people who are just having fun are great dates! They are charismatic, energetic, and fun to be around. For someone looking for a long-term partner, the player can seem like a great catch; unfortunately, if they aren’t looking for a relationship, they can’t be “caught”, and chances are, if they did want a relationship, it wouldn’t be with someone they met on a night out in the club – simply because going to the club is meant to find short-term flings. It’s best to dodge that bullet by keeping expectations of club relationships low and in perspective; great for having fun, but not likely to be long-term.
For many, being single is a whirlwind of ups and downs, excitement and disappointment. We go out, we meet a great person, we get excited about the potential, we find out they really aren’t what we’re looking for, and we do it all over again, and again, and again, ad nauseam. It is a self-perpetuating cycle that can be exhausting and depressing, but it doesn’t need to be. If we can put it all into perspective, and control our expectations, being single can be rewarding, fulfilling, and fun, just as it should be.
Often times, our desire to have a relationship over-ride our need to be ready for one. Healthy relationships can only happen if the individuals in them are healthy. It is quite possible that what you need to do now to achieve your relationship goals has nothing to do with another person, and everything to do with working toward appreciating, accepting, and loving yourself. The most dangerous games we play in life are with ourselves, and if we don’t play deliberately and honestly, we often lose. We lie to ourselves, over or under-rate our abilities and achievements, and – most harmfully – convince ourselves that having a partner will make us happier people. But happy has to come from inside; you cannot expect another person to be happy around you if you cannot enjoy your own company.
What we do now – in this moment – is what defines who we are and if we will succeed or fail. The choices we make, the goals we set, the deliberation of our own lives, are all we can ever really count on, because if we fall apart, chances are that everything around us will fall apart too.
So. Now what???
Relationship Roulette, Single, Married, Divorced, Now What?